1. SFO-LAX-SFO dear god i am tired

    i spent most of the day here:

    imagethis is a warehouse in LA where i needed to do inventory for a project.

    LA is having a heatwave.  it was 108 degrees in here for a good portion of my day here.  i wore a cold wet towel around my head.  

    so yeah, it was like a 5 hour bikram class. 

    imagethis is a rough snapshot of the stuff i needed to check off our list to make sure what we ordered is at the warehouse. not pictured: the 20 boxes of books, knick knacks and random accessories i had to open and account for.  furniture is one thing, boxes of various little tedious tchotchkes is another.

    image

         6:30 AM SFO Departure to LA           9:40 PM LAX Departure home

    it was a grueling day but it wasn’t the least bit stressful.  

    which is quite the surprise.

    i met and spent a significant amount of time with people i had never met before and had no social anxiety whatsoever.

    which is also quite the surprise.

    i had a great time despite the manual labor and the heat.  i felt at ease in a foreign place with people i didn’t know. i survived a one on one lunch, had meetings with several people and caught a ride back to the airport with an amazing lady without a lull in the conversation or any awkward moments. somehow we started a conversation about cheese hotdogs, food poisoning and adoption and well,  it was hilarious and entertaining and it felt like i had known her for years as we got stuck in the inevitable LA traffic.

    we did a drive by the beach since my flight was so late.  the pacific still takes my breath away. the sun was setting, the water was so…visible.

    i had to tell her how you can’t really see the water clearly at the beach in SF.  it’s usually covered in fog, it’s usually 40 degrees out there and it is a rare occasion to be able to watch the sun glisten off the waves of the ocean up where i live. as a native southern californian, this was foreign to her. 

    it happens though.  not often, but when it does happen, when the fog does burn off and we have a day warm enough to call us out to the beach, it’s quite amazing.

    much like today.  i felt like today was one of those rare days where the part of my brain that worries about everything turned itself off and i was able to just be myself, nothing else to do, nothing to prove, no one to impress.  i don’t know how i was able to just slip into this so easily today where most days it feels like a struggle to get to this place.  all i know is that when it does happen i want to hold onto this feeling and this memory in the hopes that it becomes less work to let go and be myself more often.  wouldn’t that be amazing?

  2. i noticed this morning that my daily multi-vitamin has a word on it.

    i feel like this is false advertising and do not feel any more alive when i take it or less alive for the 3 days out of the week i inevitably forget to take it.

    in other news i’m heading to LA tomorrow for a quick drive by for work.  in and out in one day.  i remember doing lots of these one day trips to LA or San Diego in the past for projects.  It’s been quite some time since i flew so casually up and down the coast and these days i would not be a fan if i had to do this every week but thank god it’s only for a day.

    i don’t like the rush rush of a lot of travel. some people live off of it and are always jetsetting.  my ass likes to be firmly planted in my own home for as much time as possible.  our indian summer is in full swing and i’m doing a little rain dance everyday because i miss fall.  

    oh, and there’s that massive california drought thing.  right.

    but my need for fall and sweater and rain boots is great.  because i was and always will be an indoor kid.  and all this sunny weather is making me feel guilty for wanting to be inside all day all frowny face and arms crossed because i want the sky to open up and give me the thunder storm of my dreams.

    i stumbled upon this great etsy store  that sells these reworked stylized movie posters.  this one is from Lost in Translation and while i don’t quite remember the scene in the movie where this was said it was the most true thing I’ve read all week. 

    it’s our one month anniversary.  the dr. pointed this out on the couch tonight as we sat eating a dinner of vegan raviolis and tofurkey snausages. i shook both my fists in the air like i had won some sort of sporting event.

    not like i didn’t think we’d survive the month or anything like that but i think i need more fist pumping and victory dances in my life, even for the little things like our one monthaversary or the fact i survived a pilates class that involved lots of torture with an evil device they call a “magic circle” and made it home in time to make a decent dinner and not “CALL INDIAN FOOD TO COME OVER I CAN’T MANAGE.” 

    while i’ve already broken my “only one boba tea a week rule” this week and it’s only tuesday, i think i’m doing just fine in the grand scheme of things.

  3. you can have your cake and eat it too

    or in my case…

    sea salt crema oolong w/ egg pudding and boba.

    at least afterwards a grueling pilates class at Body Chemistry happened as well.

    the control pilates is teaching me is really killer.  it’s not only a workout but a great reminder about body mechanics and using the breath to assist with motion. 

    while it’s not helping curb my newfound boba tea addiction, it’s keeping my spine and my neck happy.  good posture = happy neck.

  4. i didn’t look at work this weekend. 
i did more rewarding things like tried out a new pilates studio, rode my first tandem, decided i have too many control issues to ride in the back, lost myself to biking-too-close-to-moving-cars-anxiety, remembered i am not an ambi-turner (have issues turning right!), ate a gigantic bowl of pasta for the first time in what feels like ages, beat my personal wallsit record (5 minutes!!), looked at my wedding photos (again), watched julia nunes youtube videos (really just re-watched her cover of ‘Red Shift’ over and over again) , re-read my journal from my first year in san francisco, wrote about how amazing it is that i survived my 20s and how i could have never predicted how awesome my life is now, pushed through a tough soulcycle class that my hamstrings have not yet forgiven me for, ate my favorite salad at Roam Burger, spent time on the couch wasting time on the internet while the dr. worked, contemplated yoga, skipped yoga, booked more pilates classes next week and with any luck, i’ll floss and brush my teeth tonight despite every bone in my body telling me to skip it and just go to bed because i am just that tired.

    i didn’t look at work this weekend. 

    i did more rewarding things like tried out a new pilates studio, rode my first tandem, decided i have too many control issues to ride in the back, lost myself to biking-too-close-to-moving-cars-anxiety, remembered i am not an ambi-turner (have issues turning right!), ate a gigantic bowl of pasta for the first time in what feels like ages, beat my personal wallsit record (5 minutes!!), looked at my wedding photos (again), watched julia nunes youtube videos (really just re-watched her cover of ‘Red Shift’ over and over again) , re-read my journal from my first year in san francisco, wrote about how amazing it is that i survived my 20s and how i could have never predicted how awesome my life is now, pushed through a tough soulcycle class that my hamstrings have not yet forgiven me for, ate my favorite salad at Roam Burger, spent time on the couch wasting time on the internet while the dr. worked, contemplated yoga, skipped yoga, booked more pilates classes next week and with any luck, i’ll floss and brush my teeth tonight despite every bone in my body telling me to skip it and just go to bed because i am just that tired.

  5. tamboureeeeen! →

    the tambourine guy is how i want to LIVE MY LIFE.

  6. remember

    image

    i’ve spent the last hour or so half watching this week’s episode of project runway and half re-reading old letters.

    i’ve started cleaning up shop and gearing up for nanowrimo this year.  this usually entails either reading a lot of new stuff or reading a lot of old stuff.  new stuff by other people or old stuff i had written.  in today’s case, i was reading both old stuff i had written and old stuff old friends had written me.  

    at one point in my life i had amassed too many amazing letters to stuff into cigar boxes i decided to put them in sheet protectors and binders for safe keeping because i’m that kind of nerd.

    there are also fun envelopes, postcards, photos and photocopies of bad poetry.

    a lot of bad poetry.

    at the back of one of the binders i had stuffed a bunch of random things i had forgotten bout.  sailor moon stickers. old address labels from 1890 Grove St and a bunch of photos from my goodbye party in LA in 2002.

    I flipped through the photos and laughed at how obviously stoned we all looked.  i remember most of the party until the part where dome and gloria showed up and s. thought it would be a good idea to bring out the 2 liter coke bottle gravity bong she had made.

    par for the course, the rest of the night was a blur.  there is an amazing photo of ross wielding a loaf of burnt garlic bread over his head in horror and sadness like he was cursing the gods for burning such delicious carbs.

    there were badly composed shots of group photos where no one is looking at the camera. in two of these i examined the faces of the people who made Los Angeles bearable, the first west coast family i chose.

    i saw david.

    i saw dome.

    i thought about the fact that there were two people in this photo who are dead.

    just.

    not here anymore.

    i lost it.

    i was on the couch in our dark living room.  project runway had ended. the dr. was on the back patio. i couldn’t contain it and it all came spilling out.

    they’ve been gone for quite some time now but just seeing the photos and seeing them there in front of me and remembering how young we were.

    how young i still feel.

    how confused and conflicted i feel, like my brain can’t process that people in our age group are dead.

    i pulled myself back together and flipped through more letters and got lost in re-discovering my 20s as told through the lost art of letter writing.  it was fascinating to read the recap of other people’s lives and remembering what i had been going through at the time through their responses.  so much wanderlust and broken hearted meandering as we moved around looking for meaning in our lives.  so much of our 20s were fraught with the need to give meaning to every single thing we did.  i read through letters from my moves from New Jersey to Boston to LA to Boston to San Francisco.  there were two major heartbreaks during this time that i could not shut up about. one of my friends had one that took up an entire 3” 3-ring binder.  we sorta cherished our love loss but there was so much amazing writing happening that it never felt overly whiny or depressive. 

    the dr. came back into the room and i opened my mouth to tell him about my breakdown over the dome and david photos and what came out was a garbled mess of words and sobs and a lot of snot.

    i will always miss them and i will always be confused by why they are no longer here.  while my brain can logically explain that they got sick and that people die the rest of me currently still can’t process the fact that young people die.

    imageevery october i have my own personal day of the dead celebration.  it feels like it creeped up a little early on me this year.  that’s what i get for digging around in the past. the feelings aren’t bad, they just are what they are and it’s ok to still be sad and it’s ok to look back on your life up until this point and think, after all that crap and i haven’t figured it all out.

    my 20s, and most of other people’s 20s i suspect, were wrecked with anxiety about having it all figured out.  we all wanted to have our shit together thinking everyone else had their shit together and we were just behind.  

    the awesomeness of my 30s, and i suspect most people’s 30s, is that you realize no one has their shit figured out and it’s quite alright that you don’t. your definition of ‘having your shit together’ changes.  and if you’re smart, it’s not based on what your friends, peers or families define as success.  it’s your own personal definition of success that truly matters.

    david and dome were a little older than me.  they were steering me down the right path. they both reminded me while i was living in LA, getitng bogged down with insecurity about money, looks, job, status, "It ain’t that deep."

    they were right, of course.  they still are.  whenever i find myself getting wrapped up in bullshit, i need to remember.

  7. never forget who you are. →

    i will repost this until the day i die.

  8. current status:  full of falafel and still work cranky.
this is serious guys.
falafel is failing.  and i’m on boba tea lockdown.  after inhaling 3 sugary boba tea drinks in one weekend i remembered that i do not have the metabolism of a teenage boy and should never consume large amount of dairy and sugar.  
i managed to make it back to soulcycle after 2.5 weeks away and par for the course, i did better than anticipated and i did cry.
i had never taken Heather Anderson’s class before and now i’m adding Sundays at 11:45AM to the rotation.
“I will. I can. I am. I have.”
in the middle of a particularly grueling mindblowingly fast out of the saddle sprint i opened my eyes and looked up and it’s almost like she knew even though I was hiding in the back row.
"you got this. you don’t need me. you don’t need me. you’ve got it."
after wedding recovery. after flu recovery. i found myself drowning in work and stress and a busted knee that was preventing me from my usual endorphin high.
i needed yoga and soulcycle and friends this weekend to put things into perspective. i didn’t need a shitload of boba or a trip to Sift bakery but oh well, sugar happens.
it’s been a pretty dismal monday morning with more work fire drills and emergencies and the feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
i know there is though. i just need to fight for it and make my way there. i keep losing my way. i keep getting derailed by the messiness of everyday crap that in the end…does not mean much in the whole scheme of things. 
“I will. I can. I am. I have.”

    current status:  full of falafel and still work cranky.

    this is serious guys.

    falafel is failing.  and i’m on boba tea lockdown.  after inhaling 3 sugary boba tea drinks in one weekend i remembered that i do not have the metabolism of a teenage boy and should never consume large amount of dairy and sugar.  

    i managed to make it back to soulcycle after 2.5 weeks away and par for the course, i did better than anticipated and i did cry.

    i had never taken Heather Anderson’s class before and now i’m adding Sundays at 11:45AM to the rotation.

    I will. I can. I am. I have.”

    in the middle of a particularly grueling mindblowingly fast out of the saddle sprint i opened my eyes and looked up and it’s almost like she knew even though I was hiding in the back row.

    "you got this. you don’t need me. you don’t need me. you’ve got it."

    after wedding recovery. after flu recovery. i found myself drowning in work and stress and a busted knee that was preventing me from my usual endorphin high.

    i needed yoga and soulcycle and friends this weekend to put things into perspective. i didn’t need a shitload of boba or a trip to Sift bakery but oh well, sugar happens.

    it’s been a pretty dismal monday morning with more work fire drills and emergencies and the feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

    i know there is though. i just need to fight for it and make my way there. i keep losing my way. i keep getting derailed by the messiness of everyday crap that in the end…does not mean much in the whole scheme of things.

    I will. I can. I am. I have.”

  9. Ask Polly: Why Don’t the Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me? →

    perfectly said

  10. My favorite blanket. Excessive nap bling. Saturday afternoon.

    My favorite blanket. Excessive nap bling. Saturday afternoon.