1. malaise

    i’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately.  after all the work and build up and the final relief  (with a tad bit sadness) that wedding day was over i was hit with a flu that put me down for a little over a week.  i spent days in bed in and out of fever and consciousness.  most of my waking moments i spent cranky and feeding myself whatever i could find in the kitchen and whatever grubhub would deliver to our house.

    i basically fell into a sweaty coma for 7 days.

    then i had to go back to work.

    last week was rough. i found myself feeling sad.

    not just frustrated and annoyed (as the job is always pretty frustrating and annoying on a certain level since so much of it depends on other people pulling through in tight situations, tight deadlines and lots of moving pieces) but…sad.

    sad that i do a decent job at a job that brings me no joy.

    there are brief moments of ‘yay!’ when i see hotels or restaurants i’ve worked on completed but at the end of the day, it is not satisfying to look at a room and say i helped make this happen.

    i contributed to the success of this final product but…yay?  

    the only thing that has ever been truly satisfying is when someone in operations personally thanks me because they received something when they needed it and it didn’t break within the first couple of months.  Last Christmas I got to see a project I worked on in Philly.  I was just going to do a quick drive by and see how everything was holding up but the GM met me there and took me around to show me everything and introduced me to the staff and asked them to tell me how much better they were doing since the renovation.  That felt good.  Seeing actual people who admitted that something I participated and worked on made a difference in their everyday lives.  

    it’s rare though.  that never happens.  at least in my experiences. i just get shuffled on to the next project, and the next, and the next, so many piling up, so much work to do…

    it’s becoming increasingly harder and harder for me to find something that is meaningful to me in what i do.

    i don’t need to make any large grand overtures to change the world.  i don’t need to have my name stamped on something.  i just want…

    i just want to feel better than “good” about what i do.

    I want to feel great about it.  I want to be excited and happy about the actual tasks and not just excited and happy I knocked off all the things on my task list.

    don’t get me wrong, crossing things off a to do list feels pretty good, what gets me are the actual tasks at hand that are so…

    meaningless to me. and there are so many of them.  and the list never ends. and inevitably there is someone yelling because you’re not doing it fast enough.

    nothing will ever be fast enough. 

    i spent a good chunk of this long weekend working.  i had a lot of tedious invoicing things to do that required no distractions and it’s distraction central monday-friday so i holed up at mission creek cafe to just bang some stuff out so i could feel caught up today.

    i should know better.

    there is no such thing as caught up.

    with all this work malaise and and my ongoing internal conversations about career and school, i’m left wanting to work on something completely outside of both trajectories.

    so i picked up my guitar on saturday morning and cleaned about 2 years worth of dust off of it.

    and i’m contemplating nanowrimo this upcoming november.

    i need something else.  i need something to do that’s not so much of a downer.

    i tend to forget i went to undergrad for writing because i felt like it was the only skill i was decent at. i should remember i was better than decent.  i was better than good.  it was my saving grace through many life crisis’. i need to get back at it to retain my own sanity through days that feel like their full of so much meaningless blargh. 

  2. So much good good happened today that I can’t even begin to explain the coma I’m in.

  3. The magic of a wedding registry. I love our friends

    The magic of a wedding registry. I love our friends

  4. I’ll never be this fancy but yup, she’s still my spirit animal.

  5. we got ready at home together.we got ready at home together.

    we never got around to writing our vows.

    the days leading up to the wedding i spent slowly but surely ticking off items on the massive to do list.  while writing my vows was on the list it always found itself on the bottom.

    i can bang that out in an hour, no problem.

    the item second to the bottom of the list was music.

    no problem, 2-3 hours tops, i just need to dump songs in playlists and we’ll be fine.

    by the time friday rolled around i thought my time would be best spent getting food and alcohol for the after party and cutting blocks of cheese into appropriately sized party slivers.  i set up my music playlists but didn’t get around to putting music into them before our family dinner that night at 6:30PM.  

    it should be fine.  i’ll have time after dinner.

    i had started writing my vows in my head several times.  in the middle of a grueling soulcycle class when ian would say something inspiring that i wanted to steal or while riding the bus home.  in the tub soaking with epsom salts or doing dishes.  i’d run through what i wanted to say and i’d get teary eyed every time. The vows never came up as a laundry list of things I would promise to do for the rest of my life or things I would promise to NOT do.  i didn’t need to promise i’d continue doing the dishes if he continued taking out the trash  i also never felt it necessary to vow to love and cherish the dr. for forever, in sickness and in health.  while all of that is fine and dandy, it just didn’t ring true for me to use someone else’s words, the world’s words, to express how i felt.  it didn’t feel right.

    the whole wedding thing was an exercise in remembering there is no ‘should’ when it comes to your wedding. and the moment i realized that we could very well get married in our banana and watermelon costumes and everyone would still come was the moment i felt ok with making decisions that were more in tune with who we are and not be beholden to traditions we didn’t really feel were necessary.

    i kept putting off the vows because i felt my entire face start to scrunch up in that crying way that i never want it to in public. 

    also, music was the task ahead of vows and well, i didn’t finish that until hylda and my soon to be husband pried me away from the laptop sometime after midnight before wedding day. i knew i had a 6:30 AM wake up call but i had the delirious mind of a college student ready to pull an all-nighter.

    i don’t know why i think these things are good ideas.

    i thought about my vows again on the uber up to my hairdresser’s and i ended up a blubbering mess as i honed in on the raw emotion i feel when i think about my life prior to jeff and my life with jeff and how much i have changed, how i am ultimately a better me because he happened to me and i don’t know how to process these feelings and boil them down to words that don’t seem to do the feeling justice.  it’s the same feeling i get when i get home from a long day of work or a tough workout and dinner is already on the way and i don’t have to think about it.  it’s the same feeling when he sees me falling asleep on the couch in the middle of a TV show and he pauses the machine and gathers me up and puts me to bed.  it’s when he offers to do my laundry because i hate going up and down our back steps. it’s when it’s 8PM and i haven’t stopped working all day and he takes the back of my task chair and rolls me away from the computer because he knows i have boundary issues when it comes to my job.  

    he tells me that he loves me.

    he doesn’t need to. 

    because he shows me that he does.

    and i am who i am today because he loves me.  

    all of this caused massive waterworks in the backseat of an uber at 6:30AM.  my poor driver was understanding.  he handed me tissues and asked me if i was ok.

    "I’m getting married today,"  I answered.

    "Oh,"  he said and paused.  "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

    "It’s good," I replied and then swallowed several unattractive hiccuping sobs. "Trust me, it’s really good.  I just have my period."

    poor guy.

    i pulled it together to get my hair done and my hairdresser let me cry some more before i fell asleep in her chair while she worked her magic with 10,000 bobby pins i would later pull out and marvel that much metal was in my hair all day without weighing me down.

    i did have my period.

    that didn’t help any.

    once i got home though, getting ready with hylda, jeff and our photographer Colson, the excitement kicked in and the idea that vows weren’t quite ironed out yet was pushed to the back of my brain.  there was nothing i could do about it.  i had run out of time to have this part planned out.  err. several parts planned out. i felt bad for handing out last minute assignments to people (thank you jessica for being my music bitch outside and my sister for being the cat herder) but there was nothing else i could do and everyone seemed so eager to help. 

    everything after we had arrived at the venue was a complete and utter blur.  people had told me to stop and take a moment to soak it all in but my brain kept telling me that moment was later and not now, not now, not now, not until music was set up and not until i had an idea of what i was going to say when dan looked at me and indicated it was my turn to say whatever it is i wanted to say.

    when that moment finally came…

    right about when i started to lose itright about when i started to lose it

    i don’t really remember what came out.  

    Some semblance of the words I had thought about on my way to get my hair done.  It was all emotion that took over and there was no room in my brain for retaining information. I only remember snippets of what I had said but I remember the feeling of it in its entirety as it takes over even while I write this, the throat tightens, the eyes start watering and I am overcome with so much love and joy and gratefulness.

    it really wasn’t until now that I think i’ve stolen a part of my vows from Latrice Royale.



    "You have changed my life forever."

    the party and hoopla of the weekend is over.  everyone has flown back home and our house is pretty much back to normal after the after party madness.  i’ve come down with whatever massive illness is going around.  it started monday afternoon and quickly took over.  i’ve spent the past two days in bed sweating out fevers and chills and watching bad television in bed while the dr. picks up my prescriptions at CVS and patiently asks me what i want for dinner. we keep looking at each other in random moments and announcing. “You’re my wife” or “You’re my husband” and i laugh because it still feels weird but nothing has really changed in our day to day lives although it feels like something has shifted.  there’s some sort of legal paperwork that makes us somehow official and i’m sure we’ll figure out as time goes by what makes things different but the best parts haven’t changed.

    don't try to fill out documentation after midnight on a belly full of whiskey or you'll spell your husband's name wrongdon’t try to fill out documentation after midnight on a belly full of whiskey or you’ll spell your husband’s name wrong

  6. (Photo credit: Colson Griffith)
I got married on Saturday. Still haven’t quite processed everything since it’s been a whirlwind of parties and diners and saying goodbye to all our friends who traveled here for the event. I’m exhausted, elated and have come down with the cold lots of folks have been getting lately. I’m going to sleep for the next 5 days or so. I’ve canceled all my burn sf and Soulcycle classes this week to try and hit the reset button. Despite feeling physically spent and sad from the many goodbyes I’ve said in the past two days I’m looking over to my right in bed and I see my family. I see the dr. I see the man who has changed my life, who has believed in me and made me the person I am today.

And I am forever grateful and forever in love.

    (Photo credit: Colson Griffith)
    I got married on Saturday. Still haven’t quite processed everything since it’s been a whirlwind of parties and diners and saying goodbye to all our friends who traveled here for the event. I’m exhausted, elated and have come down with the cold lots of folks have been getting lately. I’m going to sleep for the next 5 days or so. I’ve canceled all my burn sf and Soulcycle classes this week to try and hit the reset button. Despite feeling physically spent and sad from the many goodbyes I’ve said in the past two days I’m looking over to my right in bed and I see my family. I see the dr. I see the man who has changed my life, who has believed in me and made me the person I am today.

    And I am forever grateful and forever in love.

  7. #weddingsurvivalkit

    #weddingsurvivalkit

  8. Binge watching RuPaul’s Drag Race is our recent favorite downtime activity. #truelove

    Binge watching RuPaul’s Drag Race is our recent favorite downtime activity. #truelove

  9. A couple of months ago Soulcycle reached out to me because one of their NY riders was an editor at Prevention Magazine who read my soulcycle blog post and wanted to feature me in their “Better Than Ever” column. I had lost 30 lbs and @soulcycle had become my gateway drug to group fitness. No more long, tedious and un-motivating hours at the gym on the elliptical for me which proved to be useless in my struggle to drop not only my weight but my triglycerides and glucose. I always stayed far away from group fitness as there was nothing more intimidating. It was high school gym class all over again. Until I discovered soul and @burnpilatessf which fosters such a positive environment where I could stop feeling so self-conscious so I could do the work I needed to do with supportive people cheering me on, not judging me. And now? Now I feel unstoppable. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a ninja-ballerina-athlete. I may never be any of those things but I can train like one and that’s just fine with me #Soulcycle #burnsf #pilates #fitspo #fitness #bodypositive #preventionmagazine #soulfam

    A couple of months ago Soulcycle reached out to me because one of their NY riders was an editor at Prevention Magazine who read my soulcycle blog post and wanted to feature me in their “Better Than Ever” column. I had lost 30 lbs and @soulcycle had become my gateway drug to group fitness. No more long, tedious and un-motivating hours at the gym on the elliptical for me which proved to be useless in my struggle to drop not only my weight but my triglycerides and glucose. I always stayed far away from group fitness as there was nothing more intimidating. It was high school gym class all over again. Until I discovered soul and @burnpilatessf which fosters such a positive environment where I could stop feeling so self-conscious so I could do the work I needed to do with supportive people cheering me on, not judging me. And now? Now I feel unstoppable. I’ve always secretly wanted to be a ninja-ballerina-athlete. I may never be any of those things but I can train like one and that’s just fine with me #Soulcycle #burnsf #pilates #fitspo #fitness #bodypositive #preventionmagazine #soulfam