i’ve been feeling pretty discouraged lately. after all the work and build up and the final relief (with a tad bit sadness) that wedding day was over i was hit with a flu that put me down for a little over a week. i spent days in bed in and out of fever and consciousness. most of my waking moments i spent cranky and feeding myself whatever i could find in the kitchen and whatever grubhub would deliver to our house.
i basically fell into a sweaty coma for 7 days.
then i had to go back to work.
last week was rough. i found myself feeling sad.
not just frustrated and annoyed (as the job is always pretty frustrating and annoying on a certain level since so much of it depends on other people pulling through in tight situations, tight deadlines and lots of moving pieces) but…sad.
sad that i do a decent job at a job that brings me no joy.
there are brief moments of ‘yay!’ when i see hotels or restaurants i’ve worked on completed but at the end of the day, it is not satisfying to look at a room and say i helped make this happen.
i contributed to the success of this final product but…yay?
the only thing that has ever been truly satisfying is when someone in operations personally thanks me because they received something when they needed it and it didn’t break within the first couple of months. Last Christmas I got to see a project I worked on in Philly. I was just going to do a quick drive by and see how everything was holding up but the GM met me there and took me around to show me everything and introduced me to the staff and asked them to tell me how much better they were doing since the renovation. That felt good. Seeing actual people who admitted that something I participated and worked on made a difference in their everyday lives.
it’s rare though. that never happens. at least in my experiences. i just get shuffled on to the next project, and the next, and the next, so many piling up, so much work to do…
it’s becoming increasingly harder and harder for me to find something that is meaningful to me in what i do.
i don’t need to make any large grand overtures to change the world. i don’t need to have my name stamped on something. i just want…
i just want to feel better than “good” about what i do.
I want to feel great about it. I want to be excited and happy about the actual tasks and not just excited and happy I knocked off all the things on my task list.
don’t get me wrong, crossing things off a to do list feels pretty good, what gets me are the actual tasks at hand that are so…
meaningless to me. and there are so many of them. and the list never ends. and inevitably there is someone yelling because you’re not doing it fast enough.
nothing will ever be fast enough.
i spent a good chunk of this long weekend working. i had a lot of tedious invoicing things to do that required no distractions and it’s distraction central monday-friday so i holed up at mission creek cafe to just bang some stuff out so i could feel caught up today.
i should know better.
there is no such thing as caught up.
with all this work malaise and and my ongoing internal conversations about career and school, i’m left wanting to work on something completely outside of both trajectories.
so i picked up my guitar on saturday morning and cleaned about 2 years worth of dust off of it.
and i’m contemplating nanowrimo this upcoming november.
i need something else. i need something to do that’s not so much of a downer.
i tend to forget i went to undergrad for writing because i felt like it was the only skill i was decent at. i should remember i was better than decent. i was better than good. it was my saving grace through many life crisis’. i need to get back at it to retain my own sanity through days that feel like their full of so much meaningless blargh.